What Is Sex? Or, How Do I Know If I’ve Lost My Virginity?

I was speaking with a woman who wanted me to do a blog post on adult virgins (which I plan to do) when I was struck by something that she was saying. She was in her early twenties and considered herself a virgin yet when I asked her about her sexual history I learned that she regularly engaged in sexual activity like oral sex and mutual masturbation, she just hasn’t been vaginally or anally penetrated. This seems to be the distinction, for many, between virginity and lack there of. Penetration = sex. I feel it is my duty to proclaim that penetration ≠ sex…well, ok it does but it’s not the only thing that equals sex.

 So here it is, the age old argument against defining sex as vaginal penetration. Lesbians and gay men. Now I hear your argument already, “Lesbians use strap-ons and gay men penetrate each other anally,” but here’s the thing, not all lesbians use strap-ons and anal sex isn’t as common amongst gay men as pop culture and pornography would have you believe. Many homosexuals have had non-penetrative sex their whole lives and you can trust me that most would not consider themselves virgins. Sex is what happens when two horny people consent to help each other feel pleasure in an erotic way. Ever notice how it’s called oral SEX. Now I’ll concede that the line get’s blurry when the people aren’t in the same room; are phone sex and cyber sex the kinds of sex that constitutes a loss of virginity?

 If the question is “Did I just have sex?” I think that the answer must also come in the form of a question. “Do you think you just had sex?” if the answer is “Yes!” then you, my friend, just had sex! When two women are bringing each other to climax using their hands and mouths they most definitely think that they are having sex, and they’d be right. Sex is just one of those terrible things like art that is kind of subjective. Some people believe that anything can be art and in a similar way if you believe that you’re having sex that’s the only way to really know if you’re having sex. No one else can tell you.

So I get that this woman I was speaking to doesn’t think that she’s had sex yet but she also seems to be putting an inordinate amount of weight on one particular sexual act to the point of almost negating all her previous sexual experience. I don’t think that we should raise vaginal intercourse up on some pedestal of sexuality as the key sex act to which all other sex acts are lesser. It’s just one kind of sexual activity that can make up sex, and in fact, it’s one of the more high risk things you can do with a sexual partner. This doesn’t even cover the fact that considering vaginal intercourse to be the only real kind of sex is a highly discriminatory and heteronormative viewpoint and leaves people who do not engage in this kind of sex on the fringe. I for one believe that the sex act which we consider to be the primary and most important one should be masturbation. I think that would go a long way towards demystifying sex.

What’s The Difference Between G-Spot And Clitoral Orgasms?

A couple of weeks ago I emailed Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard Psychology professor who’s blog The Psychology Of Human Sexuality is one of my top reads every week. I asked him a question about women’s ability to orgasm and he was awesome enough to post the question and his response on his blog this week on his “Sex Question Friday” segment. Here’s what I asked and his response:

I know that some women can only experience clitoral orgasm but not G Spot orgasm. I was curious to know if there are many cases of women who are able to have G Spot orgasms but are incapable of orgasming through clitoral stimulation. I’m sure there are a few cases but are these the exception to the rule or is it quite variable?

Thanks for this very interesting question. The short answer is that the route to female orgasm is highly variable and there is not one “correct” or right way for a woman to climax. Some women do it through vaginal insertion, others through clitoral stimulation, while some can orgasm simply by having their nipples touched. Stimulation of the cervix has also been recognized as a way some women reach orgasm.¹ As a result, it would never surprise me to hear that some women can climax from one type of stimulation but not another. Thus, there are no “rules” when it comes to female orgasm.

That said, you asked specifically about the relationship between G-Spot and clitoral orgasms and whether you can have one without the other. This is a difficult question to answer with any degree of certainty because, among sexual scientists, the G-Spot has often described as a “gynecological UFO.” In other words, although there have been many G-spot “sightings,” scientists have had a hard time proving its existence. In fact, a 2012 review of all of the G-Spot research conducted to date concluded that “the existence of an anatomical G-Spot…remains to be demonstrated.”²

Now, this is not to say that the G-Spot doesn’t exist. There are indeed many women who report experiencing highly pleasurable orgasms as a result of stimulation of the area typically thought of as representing the G-Spot (i.e., the front vaginal wall, about one-third to one-half of the distance between the vaginal opening and the cervix). However, it turns out that the source of this intense pleasure may be a result of stimulation of the internal portion of the clitoris.² Most of the clitoris is actually inside of the body anchoring it to the pubic bone. During sexual arousal, that internal portion of the clitoris swells with blood (it consists of erectile tissue, just like the penis) and, consequently, moves closer to the vaginal walls. As a result, when stimulating the supposed G-Spot, we may simply be stimulating a different portion of the clitoris.

As a result, there may not be a lot of point in distinguishing between clitoral and G-Spot orgasms and who is able to climax which way. Although stimulation of these two areas may produce orgasms that differ in intensity (and potentially ejaculation), it is important to recognize that this may simply be the result of two unique types of clitoral stimulation.

For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here. Want to learn more about The Psychology of Human Sexuality? Click here for a complete list of articles or like the Facebook page to get articles delivered to your newsfeed.

¹Cutler, W. B., Zacker, M., McCoy, N., Genovese-Stone, E., & Friedman, E. (2000). Sexual response in women.Obstetrics & Gynecology, 95, S19.

 

²Kilchevsky, A., Vardi, Y., Lowenstein, L., & Gruenwald, I. (2012). Is the female G-spot truly a distinct anatomic entity? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(3), 719-726.