My First Time At A Sex Convention (Or Any Convention For That Matter)

Saturday evening I went out to the 12th anual Vancouver Taboo Sex show. It was awesome. Before I say anything else I’ll say that I highly recommend going to this show next year, bring a friend or a partner or a group and some money because you’re going to want to buy something(s). I showed up at around 5pm to a fairly sparsely populated convention hall. My partner and I took a quick once over of the various stalls. There were toys for days in varying degrees of quality, tattoo artists and body painters, waxers and anal bleachers and a group of people handing out bright orange stickers that read “Jesus Loves Porn Stars.” Needless to say it was a bonanza of sensory stimulation.

We meandered our way slowly to the back of the hall where the main stage was by about 6. There were teams of scantily clad sports arena style dancers and a porn star who purportedly home-wrecked Sandra Bullock and Jesse James’ marriage, gyrating and doing everything but getting naked. My partner is a big pole dancing enthusiast (nerd) so, much to my chagrin, we stuck around and watched the amateur and professional heats of the pole dancing competition. Pole dancing is an amazing talent that requires so much strength, training and athleticism. I feel like this is oft forgot by strip club patrons. Once the pole dancing was over and the obligatory outrageous drag queen host had handed out her last give-away it was time for the erotic hypnotist. This was our que to go explore the convention some more. Turning around to leave I was struck by the fact that the crowd seemed to have quadrupled in the hour we spent watching the main stage.

By now the throngs of people were creating an awesome buzz in the convention center. It finally felt like saturday night at the sex show. People in costumes, people in practically nothing at all, and many more people in the muted colours of Vancouver’s casual everyday atire. The crowd was as diverse as any I had ever seen. The youngest people admitted were 19 year olds and I saw more than a handfull of 65+ people. I was delighted to see a woman in her late 20s shopping for vibrators with what I can only assume was her mother. There were young hot-bodied men wearing nothing but aprons around their exposed penises and a guy with perfect Ziggy Stardust hair and makeup. By now we’d made it to the center where there was a whole section of bongs and other weed paraphernalia adjacent to a bondage area where men and women were being tied up and hung in every shape the human body safely contorts to.

The time was passing a lot quicker than I had expected so we decided to give the toy stands a more serious perusal before leaving for a late dinner. The prices on the toys were pretty good, a lot of mark downs and wholesale pricing. If you’re the kind of person who only buys sex toys once a year or less, I’d highly recommend saving your pennies and waiting for the sex show to roll around to do your shopping. You will find what you’re looking for almost certainly. In the end we spent our whole allowance on sex toys, returning to one stall so many times they ended up giving us a bunch of stuff for free.

Surprisingly, I didn’t stop and listen to any of the informative seminars. I would have thought that these would have attracted the likes of me but I was having so much fun, I was totally uninterested in sitting down. If I had gotten a weekend pass I might have spent more time listening to the lectures but as I was only there for saturday night I went for the shiny stuff instead.

The highlight of my night may have been seeing the pregnant owner of a local pole-dancing studio do an impromptu performance at the behest of the flamboyant host. The host let slip that the pregnant woman was in fact the very woman that Ben Affleck had cheated on Jennifer Lopez with. Celebrity home-wreckers for days at the sex show! She went to lengths to ensure us that her 7 month baby bump was not Affleck’s doing.

All told, it was a lot of fun and I would recommend it to everyone, even (especially?) your mom. If you didin’t make it out this year then take my advice and don’t miss it next year. Sex.

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